Thailand Fever and My Own Adventures
Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 11:44 am
Hello fellow forum folks!
I just finished reading Thailand Fever and thought it was a great book. It explains quite a bit about how to make a farang-thai relationship work bearing in mind the huge cultural differences. It is too bad I didn't have this book 9 years ago when I met my wife! We have been married for almost 7 years now. She is away for the weekend, but when she gets back I will have her read it as well. I thought I would write here to share some of my comments about the book as well as my personal story. This may get long, so I may split it into parts. I would love to hear your stories as well!
First, some background on myself and my wife. Just to keep real names out of this, let's call her Mary. I am an American, 32 years old, and she is Thai, 30 years old. Mary grew up in Bangkok with her mother (her father died in a motorcycle accident when she was only 3), then moved to Rayong for her high school years. She grew up middle class, with her mother holding a nice government job and well respected around town, but all-in-all she still had a rough childhood compared to her peers. I'll spare all those details, as it is a long story in itself. She came here to the US to attend college (her mother's demand, Mary had no interest in coming here whatsoever). She had already been here for 2 years when I met her through a friend. It is safe to say, especially after reading the book, that in her 2 years here she was already starting to become a bit westernized. I have always had a thing for Asian women, so I was thrilled when we started dating and things were going well.
Early on in our relationship, I started learning little bits about Thai culture, both through experience and simply asking. I was always asking her things, as I was fascinated about Thailand now that I was with her. However, I learned the hard way that the head is considered the highest body part. I also quickly learned that putting her school books on the floor to get them out of the way was a big mistake. And oh my, her almost violent reaction when I teasingly poked her with my toe! Oops. I started learning some basic Thai words and I learned the wai (bow). I enjoyed watching Thai movies. She worked at a small Thai restaurant, so I started meeting more and more Thai people. Sometimes we would go to a Thai temple about 1.5 hours away, which was always an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming!) experience. Nowadays, I no longer feel out of place at the temple. The monks are very familiar with me, and really appreciate when I help them do video and photo documentation of special events. Everyone there is great. It was quickly clear to me that the Thai people were wonderful, pleasant people. I was happy with my new life adventure.
One of Mary's funny quirks that bugged me early on was something that would happen every time we went to the video rental store. I would ask her what movie she wanted to watch, but she would always answer "whatever you like, honey." I would say that I picked the last 5 times and it was her turn, but nope, she wouldn't budge. I would end up picking some cheesy chick-flick or horror movie that I knew she secretly wanted to watch. Before meeting her, I had heard stereotypes that some Asian women were submissive and man-pleasers, but never really believed them until this started happening. I then thought that perhaps there was some truth to the stereotypes. In hindsight, after reading Thailand Fever, I was clearly dealing with her avoiding conflict and showing deference. After quite a few trips to the video store, I finally got her to be comfortable picking her own movie. I wanted her to be able to make her own decisions, and this was progress.
Another thing the book mentions is privacy. There were some tense moments around this issue sprinkled here and there in our lives. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want her in the bathroom when all I was doing was peeing. We were already having sex, so it's not that I was shy about her seeing a certain body part, I just wanted my space! We spent almost 100% of our non-working time together, the crazy young lovers that we were, so that minute in the bathroom was a moment to be alone. She also liked to try to read over my shoulder when I was writing emails to friends or coworkers. I would get agitated and close the window, and then she would be upset because I "was hiding something." Nothing to hide, just a personal communication between me and someone else that had nothing to do with her. I also had to tell her that her sometimes too-frequent phone calls were a bit too much, and that if she called less I would still understand that she loved me.
Mary was always very generous and giving, to me and all her friends. Her extreme generosity towards her friends ended up damaging several friendships, which at first sounds counter-intuitive. She gave them the world and couldn't understand why she got so little in return, leading her to sometimes get upset with them. At the time, I told her that her expectations were unreasonable, but now at least I know where this comes from. She also gave more to me (including non-tangible things) than I possibly knew how to give back. It made me uncomfortable at times. She rarely asked for money, but I tried my best to give her little things and do nice things to make her happy. It must have worked, because she stayed with me, and when I proposed to her, her response was a joyous yes.
(More to follow)
I just finished reading Thailand Fever and thought it was a great book. It explains quite a bit about how to make a farang-thai relationship work bearing in mind the huge cultural differences. It is too bad I didn't have this book 9 years ago when I met my wife! We have been married for almost 7 years now. She is away for the weekend, but when she gets back I will have her read it as well. I thought I would write here to share some of my comments about the book as well as my personal story. This may get long, so I may split it into parts. I would love to hear your stories as well!
First, some background on myself and my wife. Just to keep real names out of this, let's call her Mary. I am an American, 32 years old, and she is Thai, 30 years old. Mary grew up in Bangkok with her mother (her father died in a motorcycle accident when she was only 3), then moved to Rayong for her high school years. She grew up middle class, with her mother holding a nice government job and well respected around town, but all-in-all she still had a rough childhood compared to her peers. I'll spare all those details, as it is a long story in itself. She came here to the US to attend college (her mother's demand, Mary had no interest in coming here whatsoever). She had already been here for 2 years when I met her through a friend. It is safe to say, especially after reading the book, that in her 2 years here she was already starting to become a bit westernized. I have always had a thing for Asian women, so I was thrilled when we started dating and things were going well.
Early on in our relationship, I started learning little bits about Thai culture, both through experience and simply asking. I was always asking her things, as I was fascinated about Thailand now that I was with her. However, I learned the hard way that the head is considered the highest body part. I also quickly learned that putting her school books on the floor to get them out of the way was a big mistake. And oh my, her almost violent reaction when I teasingly poked her with my toe! Oops. I started learning some basic Thai words and I learned the wai (bow). I enjoyed watching Thai movies. She worked at a small Thai restaurant, so I started meeting more and more Thai people. Sometimes we would go to a Thai temple about 1.5 hours away, which was always an interesting (and sometimes overwhelming!) experience. Nowadays, I no longer feel out of place at the temple. The monks are very familiar with me, and really appreciate when I help them do video and photo documentation of special events. Everyone there is great. It was quickly clear to me that the Thai people were wonderful, pleasant people. I was happy with my new life adventure.
One of Mary's funny quirks that bugged me early on was something that would happen every time we went to the video rental store. I would ask her what movie she wanted to watch, but she would always answer "whatever you like, honey." I would say that I picked the last 5 times and it was her turn, but nope, she wouldn't budge. I would end up picking some cheesy chick-flick or horror movie that I knew she secretly wanted to watch. Before meeting her, I had heard stereotypes that some Asian women were submissive and man-pleasers, but never really believed them until this started happening. I then thought that perhaps there was some truth to the stereotypes. In hindsight, after reading Thailand Fever, I was clearly dealing with her avoiding conflict and showing deference. After quite a few trips to the video store, I finally got her to be comfortable picking her own movie. I wanted her to be able to make her own decisions, and this was progress.
Another thing the book mentions is privacy. There were some tense moments around this issue sprinkled here and there in our lives. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't want her in the bathroom when all I was doing was peeing. We were already having sex, so it's not that I was shy about her seeing a certain body part, I just wanted my space! We spent almost 100% of our non-working time together, the crazy young lovers that we were, so that minute in the bathroom was a moment to be alone. She also liked to try to read over my shoulder when I was writing emails to friends or coworkers. I would get agitated and close the window, and then she would be upset because I "was hiding something." Nothing to hide, just a personal communication between me and someone else that had nothing to do with her. I also had to tell her that her sometimes too-frequent phone calls were a bit too much, and that if she called less I would still understand that she loved me.
Mary was always very generous and giving, to me and all her friends. Her extreme generosity towards her friends ended up damaging several friendships, which at first sounds counter-intuitive. She gave them the world and couldn't understand why she got so little in return, leading her to sometimes get upset with them. At the time, I told her that her expectations were unreasonable, but now at least I know where this comes from. She also gave more to me (including non-tangible things) than I possibly knew how to give back. It made me uncomfortable at times. She rarely asked for money, but I tried my best to give her little things and do nice things to make her happy. It must have worked, because she stayed with me, and when I proposed to her, her response was a joyous yes.
(More to follow)